just not fated

just when i thought i wld be busy... wrong again!

plans crushed once again... oh well i am used to it already

so the doc told me today that i need to go for operation on the 24th May.


there goes my road trip with drew.... there goes my tour de italy.


real sulky now.

i just keep silent the whole day. the only positive side of the whole episode is that it made me just wanna prove myself that i control my destiny... i will not be angry if i don't want to be angry... i will not pout over sth not worth while.

i just feel like tearing sth up.


somehow i really miss army...

i just miss the solitude.

i am just weird.... i am a person who suffers pain in silence... i don't like to share with anyone else

looking at how my mum's eyes water when she see thru the sadness in me just made me wanna end my life once and for all.

sometimes i really wonder... why am i so different from normal people.

my pop thinks i am mad... calls me siao kia quite regularly nowadays.
sometimes it gets real hurting... till i just can't be bothered by him anymore.

i'm just so sketical bout love... god and every beautiful things ard me now.

i came to a conclusion that i lost the flame in me... the passion and desire to achieve wat i want.

i am just crushed.

nv regret the things which happen in the past cos they make up who you are today.

drew says this statement is cliche...

ye thats true... but don't you think its nice to preserve the innocence in yourself and see life in a dreamer mode.

my bro said sth which left me puzzled with wat i am doing now.

no drew... he did not scare me with my muscles... my bro is a real nice guy... yest alone we spent 3 hrs talking to each other.... beatin the amt of time we talk to one another add up 13-20 yrs old. so i think its a real achievement there

anyway a friend of his is now training to be a financial planner at HSBC...A course which i am taking now.

so i am taking that course too... but have yet to enter uni.

ye... it may be good for my future... but frankly... i don't find a joy in what i am doing now.

i go out real happy that it is a brand new day....

work.... talk with collegues....

but end of day
i just dread coming home

i'm really not enjoying myself.

quite sad.... ppl say once u are out of army... life is good.

for me... life is getting worse.

i told drew on mon that i feel like going back to serve.



this is just not my kind of life... working just for the sake of money...

and i hate taking public transport... no its not cos i have to stand all the way.... or rub shoulders with indians...

i just hate to see the faces of ppl.

k everyone knows that majority of ppl work for 2 reasons:

1) to support the family

2) no work, no money

so u always see grumpy old faces in the train cos everyone will rather stay home and rot.

so sad at end of day... when you work and don't enjoy yourself... you are just wasting your life away.
well thats my feeling

diff from govt view of everyone working hard together
so maybe thats why i am really really not fit to be a citizen here

it just cross my mind
the day my mom leaves my side will be the day i gonna just leave civilisation... leave everything behind... be a monk or sth.... maybe be like the dude form motorcycle dairies... just go to a third world country and make it a better place in every way possible.